Mom Struggles: Part 1 of many.

Being a mom is really hard. I know this is probably stating the obvious for some of you. For others, you probably roll your eyes at this statement. "How hard can it be?" you think, "Women have been doing it since the beginning of time." I know that I used to feel this way. Then it happened.

Aden has been less than an easy baby. He has been super fussy since the beginning, pretty much. Seth leaving when he was a month old just amplified his fussiness, I believe. He is used to, and wants me and me only. Some moments, this makes me feel super special. To him, I am the world. I know he won't feel this way forever and I really do appreciate it. In the other moments, it is really annoying. I would love to go to the restroom without a monkey crawling all over me or having to hear him bawling in another room. Babies get in your head.

And EVERYONE has advice. Literally everyone. I'm sure Carlos and Shelby (my dogs) have advice they want to give me if only they could muster up the words with which to present it. At the end of the day, you can't help but wonder if you're doing it wrong. 

Right now, this struggle comes in the form of our sleeping arrangements. Aden has always co-slept with me. Mostly because he is breastfed. Until recently, this arrangement has rocked. Lately, it seems like neither of us get good sleep. He wakes up when I move, I wake up when he flips over. It is impossible for me to try to let him work it out because I'm constantly afraid he is going to roll off the bed. Seth made me a co-sleeper to use with him. It has been super helpful until the last couple of weeks when he just won't stay in it and (dangerously) tries to climb out the side that has no bed not wall on the other side of the railing. Sleeping is hard. Did you know that?

I get so jealous when I hear about other babies, babies younger than he is, sleeping through the night. I have learned that my biggest sin in life is measuring myself against others and others against myself. I think this may officially fall under judgement and envy, alike.

So here is my mommy prayer:  "Lord, please help me keep my focus on You and You only. Help me to raise my precious baby boy in a way that pleases You. Help me to only bring peace and comfort to my mom friends and give me he discretion to know when to listen and when to advise. In the same way, please help me to receive advice in a kind manner, without anger or frustration, and assume that all advisors mean well. And when Aden makes me want to rip my hair out, help me to find comfort in You. Remind me that you offered the life of Your precious Son when your people (read I) angered and sinned against you. Help me to show the same grace to myself when I feel guilty about my frustration once Aden is back to a happy baby. Above all, help me to remember that raising Aden to love and fear You is the only thing that really matters above all other parenting shenanigans. Thank you for loving my sweet baby boy and me. Amen"

Feels better just to type it out. 

Deployment

We are officially 22 weeks into this deployment. If we are lucky, we have 17 or less to go. I have a confession. This is REALLY hard. The first bit kind of flew by. It felt like a sprint. I was amazed at how quickly time was passing. Of course, I also have an ever-growing parasite keeping me busy. Aden was one day shy of one month old when Seth left. Today he is six months old. 

I think passing the halfway point made time come to a screeching halt. It is such a double-edged sword. I don't want time to pass quicker because my baby boy is growing at an alarming rate. But I want time to pass quicker because I want his daddy to be here to see him grow & learn. Some days leave me wanting to scream "IT ISN'T FAIR!!" I am so sick of watching milestone after milestone pass for Aden and Seth not be here to see it. But I realize that my two year old fit won't get me anywhere and that constant complaining about it won't help time pass more quickly and won't make my husband's job any easier.

I constantly get told "good job" or "I could never do that." Yes, you could. If the love of your life's dream job was to serve and protect and that involved him/her being gone for an extended time, you could. True love always wants what the other person wants. If your choice to spend the rest of your life with someone really hinged on whether they were physically present 100% of the time then maybe you should really re-think that walk down the aisle.

That is all this is. A two-year old fit. A shout out to the world that I, indeed, am very human. Those of you who know me know that fact very well. And I'm probably not fooling anyone by not saying that I want him home all the time. But I want him home all the time.

So instead, I will try to focus on how grateful I am that I can stay at home with my baby boy. That I get to see him grow first hand and not from a phone, or webcam, or texts from a babysitter. I am thankful for my husband. That he has chosen such a selfless life. That he is willing to sacrifice so much so that we can live this life we live. I am grateful for family; that they will always have an open room and open arms in Texas for me and my sweet little family. And I am thankful for my baby boy. He is truly a light in the darkness of this deployment. I know HEB makes Seth smile halfway around the world and he sure lights up my life here.

Also, I am thankful for baby naps in the rocking chair. They have helped me to be very disciplined in getting back into God's Word! And what about that doesn't make a girl smile?